The Embers Were Still Burning

I stood near my car, watching the passers-by make their way from place to place, each individual with a solid mission, a goal in mind, from the common goal of making it home for dinner, or something more extreme, each had a purpose in mind as they made their way from the double doors to the parking lot.

The noon-day sun was bright in the sky, and I adjusted the sunglasses on my face, their blue lenses protecting my eyes from the heat of the day. Despite it all, however, it wasn’t my eyes that seemed to warm, but instead a feeling began to permeate my chest. One that I had thought long-gone, not since… I’m getting ahead of myself.

I checked my watch again, the Citizen quietly reminding me of the seconds that were ticking by. There, on my hood, were the two bottles that I’d purchased, sweating in the sun, their chilled contents expressing distaste at having to sit in the heat, but I paid them little heed. After all, if they were sweating, then I knew that I would be, too.

A glance back at the parking meter confirmed that I still had plenty of time, but even so, the anxiety seemed to be growing within me. A subtle nervousness was causing my hand to start to shake, so I hooked my thumb on my pocket, and forced myself to calm down. After all, this wasn’t the first time that I’d seen her.

We’d known each other for nearly two years, actually. But for some reason this felt like the first time all over again. For some reason it felt like I was being introduced all over again, yet my face betrayed no small hint of my inner turmoil. I forced myself to keep my feelings in check, and told myself to just stay calm. After all, she just wanted to talk. It wasn’t like we had never done that before. We saw each other all the time before, but after the semester ended, it had been a while, probably somewhere around two months.

I’d spent the better part of a year adjusting, diminishing the flame that had continued to burn in my heart despite itself, until finally there was nothing but a few small embers to remind me of the bonfire that had scorched me before.

Finally she walked out the door. Like many of the others, she walked with purpose, with a definite stride, but it seemed that she didn’t so much have a goal in mind, but that she was searching. Her gaze wandered about, scanning the area, but I just watched, waiting. I knew that she was trying to find me, but there I was in plain sight, so I waited for the recognition.

When she finally spotted me, she smiled and waved, and I responded in kind. That feeling in my chest pounded slightly, but I suppressed it again, leaving the past in the past. We said our hellos, and started up the conversation as if there had never been a break at all. She spoke of her family, and about how things had been going, and about how her life was treating her. I shared with her the goings-on in my life, from work to ideas to school and family. There was no pause in the conversation, it was just a sense of belonging, a sense that here were two souls who meshed together. We didn’t really have anywhere specific that we were walking, instead it was just whatever spot we happened to be standing on.

And that feeling in my chest continued to hiccup, no matter how many times I kept pushing it down.

Near the end, the conversation turned serious, and I finally realized why she had wanted to talk. I listened with an understanding ear, and agreed with her on every point, at least in my internal responses. But outwardly, I offered the sensible, assuring answers, intentionally not showing the feelings that I truly felt.

And then, with a goodbye and a quick embrace, she was gone, leaving me there wondering where to go. All around me, they continued to walk with purpose, and with a reason. For me, however, the purpose was done. I walked away slowly, holding my head up so as not to betray the feeling in my chest. But inside, I was wracked, as the fire that had for so long been dormant suddenly sprung to life.

I sat quietly in the heat of the sun, and just pondered. I pondered my place, and I pondered my future.

I closed my eyes, and in the darkness of my mind, I swear I could see the glow. In the far recesses of my conscience, I could see the embers.

And those embers were still burning.

- Kyle

~ by Kyle on Tuesday, 24 June, 2008.